What does co-parenting actually mean?
Paloma Faith has recently ignited a rather controversial parenting debate, saying that she doesn’t like the word co-parenting because ‘co’ implies 50/50 and she doesn’t believe it ever is. But does ‘co’ really imply equal care? Laura Podger, an associate and family law specialist at national firm Clarke Willmott LLP, explores.
Even couples who are together will likely have fallen into specific roles within their household, including childcare, with each parent taking on different roles and responsibilities. Of course, when parents separate the contrast in parenting styles often becomes more apparent and this can lead to disputes and/or feelings of resentment.
Research shows that women in heterosexual relationships still do the bulk of housework and childcare and while many couples do aim to split their responsibilities 50:50, for various structural and socio-economic reasons, they end up allocating tasks which are typically gendered aligned.
Even in couples who think that they have achieved an equal division of labour, the more hidden forms of childcare, such as arranging doctors/dentist/eye appointments, school events, childcare planning stereotypically end up falling to the woman. This work, whether undertaken by the man or woman, is often taken for granted and not acknowledged, leading to feelings of resentment and burnout.
Feelings of resentment when you are in a healthy, loving relationship are hard enough, so when you are having to also navigate a separation, feelings of resentment often grow.
Legal advisers will often discuss with clients the concept of co-parenting. It does not necessarily mean 50/50 or equal shared care when it comes to the children. You can co-parent and only see your children once a week or once a fortnight or month, because of the distance between your homes or because you have to travel with your work. Co-parenting is about working together to parent your children after your separation.
Resolution, an organisation that promotes a non-confrontational approach to resolving family disputes, has published a practical and accessible co-parenting guide, which aims to give parents access to information and support to help them on their parenting journey through separation, divorce and beyond and help settle disputes outside of the court arena.
While some may agree with the comments Paloma makes, it is important to understand that the term co-parenting doesn’t have to imply 50/50. It should reflect parents working together, dividing the responsibilities (not necessarily equally), however that may look, for the benefit of their child/children.
This will of course look different in every family and what works for one may not work for the other, what is crucial is communication and understanding between the parents and trying to reach a solution that doesn’t leave feelings of anger or resentment from either party.
If you are struggling with your co-parenting arrangement, it may be worth talking to a trusted legal adviser on how best to navigate parenting apart and ensuring that the children are the central focus.
Laura Podger is an associate at Clarke Willmott, a firm with offices in Birmingham, Bristol, Cardiff, London, Manchester, Southampton and Taunton. For more information about the family law team visit Specialist Family Law Solicitors - UK & Abroad - Clarke Willmott
